“Everything that irritates us about others can lead to a deeper understanding of ourselves.”
– Carl Jung
What does this mean? It means that everything that irritates you about other people, including loved ones, your partner, family and friends is a reflection of YOU.
… Yes… that is a hard pill to swallow, I am sure there is some resistance to that statement.
So, let’s take a look at resistance. When you are in a place of resistance, you are actually resisting an aspect of your self and the more you resist the self, the greater it becomes, the more energy you focus on pushing it away … the larger it becomes. What you resist will persist.
Resistance means the refusal to accept or comply with something; it is hiding, denying or covering up an aspect of the self.
We all have a shadow side, we are yin and we are yang, we are male and we are female, we are light and we are dark; we are anima and we are animus; there is a duality that resides within us, which makes us who we are as a whole.
Power of self comes when you truly embrace the resistance, embrace your shadow side and integrate it into light. It is the only way to achieve balance and freedom.
Out of resistance comes strength
How do you know when you are in a place of resistance?
What normally happens when you are in a place of resistance? You take it out on your loved ones, your partner or your family. This of course happens at an unconscious level without your awareness. Let me shed some light on the unconscious mind – your body communicates to your partner’s body without a word… yes that’s right without a word! Psychologists have shown that it takes between 2 to 4 minutes to communicate to one another and it is done without a word.
The body never lies
- 55% is through body language
- 38% is through the tone or speed of your voice
- 7% is through the words you use
Furthermore neuroscientists have found that we are wired to connect, meaning connection is the number one human need. So… if you go back to your physiology. It’s worth 55% of your communication – this means that your body does all the talking. Yep. It’s not how we say it or the words that we use.
We have what neuroscientists call mirror neurons that spontaneously create brain-to-brain links between individuals. This means that your brain waves, chemistry and feelings can literally mirror the brain waves, chemistry and feelings of other people who you are communicating with… cool huh?
This allows you to know what your partner is feeling and experiencing, however, if you are in a place of resistance the connection will not be clear, just like making a mobile call when you have a bad signal, you only pick up every third word the person on the other side is saying.
Neurons that fire together wire together
Mirror neurons allows you to dial in, connect and reflect — within your own heart and mind — the thoughts, feelings and energies of people you love and admire, and those who you find fascinating and inspirational.
Mirror neurons allow you to energetically assimilate whom you are holding in your mind. Now… with the understanding of how mirror neurons work, you are free to decide whom you want to connect with, feel and absorb. In saying that if you feel irritation towards your partner, why not turn the focus inwards and ask yourself, “Why am I feeling so irritated?” Put a mirror up, whatever you are irritated with or criticising or lacking is a hint of what is going on inside of YOU. For example if you do not trust people, this is a hint that you do not trust yourself.
Everything around you is a reflection of YOU – Like attracts like. Some of us get a little confused with this concept…
For example, you find yourselves in a relationship where you share the same values (you have common grounds) and beliefs, not characteristics but values and beliefs; values are your unconscious drivers, this is how you make decisions, and this is why you do the things that you do (unconsciously).
When you have strong feelings for an individual, you don’t know why exactly, you just feel it and it motivates you, or drives you to pursue them or… dream about it, right?
We are like magnets – like attracts like
Yes… likes attracts like!
But what about opposites attracting?
This is also true… how? Your mind is there to help you grow and learn, it is there to create wholeness, balance and harmony. The best way to explain it is the yin and yang symbol. Although they are both very different energies, one cannot exist without the other, they are never separate. You will be attracted to someone who represents the opposite of you to balance you out.
In summary they are both true, think about it… are you in a relationship with a partner where you have the same core values, but you are the opposite in so many other ways? It may be your behaviour, your drivers or your attitude. You may be very giving and your partner may be the opposite. You may be an optimist and your partner may be a pessimist. You may be an action person and your partner may be a thinker… the list goes on…
The unconscious reasons we are attracted to someone
Some key ingredients to a healthy successful relationship:
- No one drives you crazy unless you give him or her the keys!
- When you point one finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you!
- Perception is Projection, which means that you get rid of your unwanted feelings (projection) by externalising and identifying them as belonging to someone else (identification).
The question you need to answer is this…
What are the lessons for you in this relationship?
What can you learn from this experience?